Peircing Through The Pain

Peircing Through The Pain

As I peer out the window on this cold and blustery day here in Calgary, I cannot help but think that what I see on the outside is but a reflection of what is on the inside. I am not saying it is cold and miserable in our house; what I am saying is that I feel somewhat cold and miserable on the inside. I rarely wallow in my sorrow: I don't let myself. I usually see my own sorrows as first world problems that are small in comparison to such sorrow as loosing your whole family to bombs dropped by American drones or the sorrow of not finding enough food for your familly and having to watch as they go to bed hungry.

Usually around this time of year I can notice a little change in my demeaner. As the fall wears on and melds into winter, many of us notice a difference in our mood that some refer to as sad(Seasonal affective disorder). I hesitate to call it sad because I do not think there is anything disorderly about feeling blue once in a while. I think it is a cyclical thing that is felt more strongly by those whose default everyday state of being could be described as meloncoly. As for people like myself who tend to be a little more high strung, it is only slightly noticable.

This year however, the feeling is different. It is as if my bed has become my best friend and my worst enemy at the same time. My bed can provide that comfort that makes it so easy to sleep an extra 3 or 4 hours and having my laptop on the far side of my bed makes it easy to not want to leave my room. At the same time, when I do want to leave, it is as if my bed becomes a tyranical hand that grasps me in it's grip and won't let me go.

There may be a few factors that are making my winter blues more pronounced this year. Since I have come back from summer vacation in late augest, I never made an attempt to get my finaces in order and as a result I have little money saved in the bank. Added to that the fact that my part time work ( I am a Stage hand permitee for I.A.T.S.E 212) rarely has any shifts for me in December. The next concert I will get a call for will probably not be until mid January. I have gotten enough hours to apply for membership in the union and just passed my application papers in the other day but the process itself takes 3 to 4 months so it may not be until march until I hear if I get in the union and until then I will mostly be getting a few calls a month. Knowing that I will have to find 4 or 5 days of work in december to cover food and next months rent does not appeal to me at all. The idea of getting another part time Job is an option that I may have to consider.

The biggest factor I think that is exacerbating my winter blues is the fact that it has been just over a year since I broke up with my girlfriend. It was definately for the best that we broke up, but it is sad thinking what could have been if things were a little different. If I was more responsible and  more financially secure than maybe we could have been on our way to building a life together. With that being said, she did want me to have a hundred thousand dollar a year job, which I laughed at and she always wanted my beard to be neatly trimed and my neck hair to be shaved.

thinking about what could of been is one thing but I often find myself wondering if I will ever have the romantic love that comes with happily ever after. To be honest, I do have a love in my life that I consider romantic but she is far away and it is complicated. I do not even know what it is that pushes me to daydream about having that life, but I do. That evolutionary drive to be with someone is a difficult drive to overcome but the older I get the more I think circumstance will overcome it for me.

I never had many girlfriends in my life, maybe a total of 5. I lived a lifestyle that was more condusive to having lovers and one night stands and through all those relationships the things I miss the most is falling asleep next to someone and waking up next to them

I am not too sure what I expect from this peice I have written. Maybe I just need to express to the world how I am feeling. Maybe I want to give someone an opourtunity to relate or empathize with what I am saying. Maybe I am looking for someone to tell me to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myslef. One thing I do know is that life keeps trucking on and it always seems easier to have someone to share your happiness and your sorrows with.

                                                              Aaron Doncaster
 

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