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Grab some pizza! Sign up for the army! One Stop Shopping as Canadian Forces Opens its Newest Recruitment Office - In a Mall!

Blog posts reflect the views of their authors.
Senator Fred Dickson - not the Grinch - stole Christmas.
Senator Fred Dickson - not the Grinch - stole Christmas.
Halifax Peace Coalition 1 - Absent Peter McKay 0
Halifax Peace Coalition 1 - Absent Peter McKay 0
Sacrificial lambs Horner and Tobin - and some guy clinging to Movember.
Sacrificial lambs Horner and Tobin - and some guy clinging to Movember.
I hear music, and see the flag! Quick, salute the wall!
I hear music, and see the flag! Quick, salute the wall!
Commodore McKeighan and Horner's first certificate for his "Me Wall"
Commodore McKeighan and Horner's first certificate for his "Me Wall"
You even get a patch with your name on it!
You even get a patch with your name on it!

In a ceremony bordering on the surreal, Canadian Forces opened its newest recruitment office today. The office is conveniently located in a strip mall on Mumford road, directly across from the Halifax Shopping Centre. You can now treat yourself to a slice of pizza, shop for fashionable seconds, fill your prescription, and take that first important step towards becoming a mindless, killing, serf, all in the same trip!

Defence Minister Peter McKay was supposed to be on hand for the grand opening, but a mild drizzle and the presence of Tamara Lorincz and the tireless factions of Halifax Peace Coalition protestors scared him away. Instead, second stringer Senator Fred Dickson cut the ribbon on this front office of the Canadian war machine.

“Senator Fred Dickson?” you say. “I don’t remember voting for him.”

That’s because you didn’t. Nobody did. Old Man Dicksoncut his long Tory teeth in the Mulroney years. He helped seal deals in off-shore Nova Scotia oil, and he and his cronies most famously created a money-bagging unit known as CDM Investments (The D was for Dickson). On paper, the company did a variety of investing, but behind the scenes CDM helped donators feed the Conservative Party coffers under a cloak of anonymity. Give to CDM, and CDM will make sure the Conservatives get it, and no one need ever know it was you. Such is the debauchery and back room dealings that will land a 73 year-old man who was never elected to anything, anywhere, a seat in the Senate. Strange how I now equate a lifetime of evil with becoming a Senator...

If you think I’m just spinning yarns, just remember that Fred Dickson, all smiles and grandfatherly with a pair of decorative ribbon-cutting shears in his hands, is among that dastardly crew of Senators who voted on November 16thof this year to kill Bill C311 in the Senate,after the bill had gone through Parliament. There is a special circle in hell, Senator, for those who sell out the future and eagerly send other peoples’ sons and daughters to become so much cannon fodder

P.S. Screw you too, Senator Nancy Greene! I thought at least you stood for something...like...well-groomed ski runs, anyway! What is this country coming to when former winter Olympians kybosh our only climate plan bill? Don't you realize that your celebrity status, and hence your power to govern over us as a Senator, is based entirely on the fact that you won ski races...ON SNOW???

On a lighter note, here are a couple things the good senile...I mean...Senator...actually said during his tiresomely prepared speech.

“Friends, none of this government’s success in rebuilding our military, after The Decade of Darkness (What The Fudge?), would make much sense if we did not dedicate adequate resources to our men and women in the Canadian Armed Forces.”

Decade of Darkness, eh Senator? I don’t quite remember that one. And I’m not your friend. Methinks the Senator may have missed a morning dose of his Donepezil.

“By standing on guard at home, and abroad, they’re (the Canadian Forces) setting an example by which we can all expire...uh...aspire.”

 No, no. Expire was the mot-juste. I have this on tape if you don’t believe me.

Anyways...where were we?

So the military, all adorned in their parade uniforms with medals a-dangling, engaged in a self-congratulatory backslapping session in their newly painted recruitment office. A few stick-to-the-script speeches happened, and then all present were invited into a backroom for a continuation of the festivities. I was hesitant, as I had things to do, and windowless backrooms are already stuffy enough without them being packed full of soldiers, never really known for their engaging or insightful points of view. But I figured “what the hell?”

And that’s where things got weird...

You know those contests? The ones where the millionth shopper wanders through the doors of some crappy department store and gets shocked by a ceiling full of balloons falling on their heads? Trumpets blare, and some cheesy-looking guy comes out of nowhere and gives them a free trip to a three-star McCaribbean resort? And all the while they look happy, but shocked, because all they really wanted was a bag of chips and a couple rolls of toilet paper?

Well, the backroom experience was kind of like that. Except the millionth shoppers were a couple of scared looking boys who simply wanted to enrol in that evil institution known as the Canadian Military, and figured all they’d need to do was answer some skill testing questions, have a doctor tell them to turn and cough, and Harper’s your uncle, done.

Instead, poor Roderick Horner, and poor Tristan Tobin, as the ceremonial first enrollers at Canadian Forces Recruiting Centre Halifax, were hauled up in front of a room full of military goombahs and press, had their families plopped in the front row, had cameras shoved in their faces, and perhaps worst of all, had to suffer through the comedic routine of Master of Ceremonies, Commodore Dan MacKeigan.

“For the families...where are the families?” babbled the Commodore, as the Horner and Tobin families sat right in front of him in the front row. “Thank you very much...merci beaucoup...for your confidence in me, your confidence in the armed forces...and moms...any moms here? Thank you very much for giving me your children! This is usually where crying is allowed (WTF!!!).”

Damn, me without my gong and oversized novelty cane!

The bizarre gets bizarrer (not a word), as we all rise for the national anthem. If you’ve never watched a roomful of military brass snap to attention and strong salute the...uh...the wall, while the Canadian anthem plays on a television, then you have not lived my friends.

Horner and Tobin are then brought forward, one at a time, made to clutch a Bible in front of a framed photo of the Queen, and then repeat their allegiance to the country, to the Queen, and to the Christian God for which this country...uh...fights wars. Personally, I thought we did away with this Bible thing when we acknowledged that practitioners of other religions might be put off by it all, but I guess not.

My girlfriend tells me that you have the option of enrolment “light”, but I just don’t care enough to research whether this is true or not. The rest of the room has no such qualms with the whole Bible/Queen symbolism thing, and claps politely. The military brass then pose for a photo shoot with the startled, yet resigned, Horner and Tobin families.

I wish I could tell you that I pulled out a harmonica and disrupted the whole thing, but there were so damn many of them, and it didn’t seem fair to steal young Horner and Tobin’s thunder on this, their special recruitment day. They even got special certificates to put on their “me wall” (Comedian...I mean...Commodore Dan’s words, not mine).

The buffet, by military shindig standards, was actually quite decent. Bagels with egg salad, a fruit plate, and some questionable beast-filled sandwiches, of which I did not partake. Good to know our tax dollars are being spent on smart things, like pepperoni sticks, dipping mustard, and cubed cheese for Senator Dickson. 


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1220 words

Commentaires

Awesome!

Thanks for sharing. Both really freaky and a really enjoyable read at the same time...

Thanks!

great piece. i actually started laughing out loud at work. this type of absurdity can only make one laugh (and cry inside a little bit).

Smiles for Miles!

Hey, I don't know who this Miles guy is but he needs to seriously consider blogging more on the site about escapades like this one. An entertaining spin on the sad state of military "culture" in the province.

Thanks!

Thanks Truro. If you know of any more escapades like these going on, email me anytime, day or night, at mileshowe@hotmail.com. They usually have buffets... 

Not a big deal

I don't quite see what the issue is here. We need some kind of military force and they need recruits. If this was in a high scholl (as was done at Citadel High a couple of years ago under principal Tam Fawcet) I would be incensed and outraged. In fact when Tam allowed them access to the kids there I wrote several strong letters objecting, but the recruiting center on Mumford Road isn't set up to ensnare children. More likely it's men and women who just want to make a living and maybe get an education in the process and see DND as the best and easiest option to allow them to move out of the parental basement and get on with things. Is Miles saying there should be no recruitment whatsoever and that we should let the CF simply die away? Maybe I'm missing something.

Nope, you're not missing a thing.

My friend. I'd love to see the CF wither and die away. But, judging by the political climate of our troubled nation right now, we don't really have to worry about that, do we? Threats abound, jets abound, military spending is higher than ever. 13th most in the world. 6th largest in NATO.

I'm all for people getting jobs and moving out of the parental basement, if they don't want to be there. I also think that most jobs don't involve teaching you how to kill people and then giving you the opportunity to do so. I've had many different jobs, none of which involved murder.

Cuts to education, so the kids are kept uneducated, and increases to higher education tuition fees, so they can't afford to go to school. Oh, and here comes the military with an easy way out. Great, let's turn a blind eye to the fact that the military is a murderous enterprise not run by you, or me. Sorry, but I call bullshit.

I'm pretty sure I can already tell you why you think the military should be bigger and badder than ever, so long as they don't try recruiting in high scholls. So let's pre-emptively agree not to see eye to eye on that one. I like writing, and I figure if I can make myself, and perhaps a few other people, laugh as I poke my finger into the eye of the beast, then, that's a days' good work. 

Peace brother.

Miles

My friend I did not suggest,

My friend I did not suggest, nor do I believe "the military should be bigger and badder than ever" and yes I made a stupid typo. I sincerely hope you enjoyed quoting it.

You make an innuendo that I am in the military, which is so far from reality as to be laughable. I've stood with the HPC people outside defence industry shows, and marched at the outbreak of the Iraq invasion. I've written letters to MPs and newspapers. I carried an end of large banners decrying US interferance in El Salvador and Nicaragua. I was doing that as far back as the 70s and have thought about these things for many years.

I've also heard Tamara go on and on about how Canada should completely dismantle the defence department in favour of more humanistic spending, and while I agree it would be great and terrifc and wonderful if we could do without soldiers it's just not realistic. We need some kind of balance. The way our current government has moved our military from a peacekeeping force to being lapdogs to US conservative nuts is simply shameful. It's sad and it's leaving a bad legacy for future generations.

My comments can be summarized that:  1) we will always have a military, and 2) people need to eat and for some, taking a military job is the best option to allow them to get on with their lives. Many of these will be the kids who could not afford unicersity tuition, or through no fault fo their own didn't chose a path that would lead to gainful employment. Cut them some slack. It doesn't mean they're bad people.

If you interpret this to mean that I support foreign policy etc, then please re-read my message above because it does not mean that at all.

Peace to you as well.

If you're concerned...

I didn't knowingly make an innuendo about you being in the military. Remember, you're the one who thought that there was no point in an article highlighting the fact that the military just spent tens of thousands of dollars on a spanking new recruitment centre, with the ribbon cutter being a climate bill nixing Senator. Sounds to me like you're backpedalling a bit here. Anyways, do what you will.

Like I said, I'm not going to get into some kind of debate with 'I protest, therefor I am, and yet the military is a necessity' types.

If you're looking for a fun protest to take part in, and would truly like more kids to be able to afford unicersity education, or college education, I implore you to take part in the day of action coming up on February 2nd. There will be activities and protests going on on campuses all around Nova Scotia. Keep checking this site for details.

Students of all ages have opted to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt in order to pursue their education, rather than joining the military. Through no fault fo their own, these students couldn't afford education , and yet didn't take that next step of joining the Canadian military in order to do so. Bunk argument on your part, and I will cut no slack for hired killers.

Anyways, I'm done. Feel free to have the last word if that's important.

 

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